Throughout my whole schooling life, I have always been a geek ... and I knew exactly why. It was never about wanting my future to be a bright one, nor did it have anything to do with being kiasu. I was 110% sure about the source of my driving force ... my motivation for those late night gung-ho revisions and memorizing had to do with only one thing : to make my parents proud.
I always studied cause I wanted my Dad and Mom to praise me when I got good results. It may sound very shallow of me, but I secretly smirked (or smile to myself in content) everytime my Dad said to my siblings,"Take a look at your sister. She never ever has to be pushed to study. She does it on her own," or even when he praises me with his usual "Very good ! Good job" and plants a kiss on my forehead for being able to secure my place as the top ten in class everytime.
My Dad was a smart man. I looked up to him and made him my study-idol =) As a student, he was always number 1 in class. Even when he worked in IBM, he was constantly getting awards, and was one of the most famous senior/ top authority employees ... He would usually drag and enroll me into the workshop or club activities organized by his company for the children ... In a way, my Dad wanted to prepare me for IBM by having them familiarize with my name in their records. I have attended their workshops on business managing & team building ,performed for their events, received awards for excelling in education (yes, IBM gives out MPH gift certificates to those who performed well on UPSR, PMR & SPM), and I had my first taste of writing a 3000 word essay on the topic "My Technology-Era Invention" to be submitted into one of their departments in order to be granted a seat in their IT camp-workshop that was only limited to 30 participants. I loved collecting the tokens and souvenirs they gave out after you have completed workshops like those.
Now that I've had the time to ponder about it, I realized that I have been doing my best not because I wanted to collect trophies and certificates to be added into what I call my "Bangga Cupboard", but because I wanted to hear my parents praise me. But what happened is that I've become so accustomed to getting good grades that if there is a time when I do not get the marks that I have expected, I take it really hard. My mom once said to one of my friends,"If one day my daughter doesn't perform well *touch wood* she is going to experience a very big break down. I am worried for her cause she stresses herself out too much everytime exams are near."
However, since college, I have learned to take things easy. In fact, I laid back a wee bit too much. After I moved on to uni, I began to display my neuroticism again when it came to assignments and tests. This thing just never ends. Sometimes I feel like my whole world is crashing when I get so worked up over exams ... and sometimes I feel as if its easy-peasy-piece-of-cake and I laze around, become guilty, and start panicking at the very last minute. The motivation in me had suddenly turned inconsistent.
And it hit me right in my senses. I knew why at periods of time I could feel so relaxed and at the next, I'm on my toes, ready to engulf myself in books. There is only one thing missing ...
I just need to hear his voice again, reinforcing my performance.
Lookie ! I found a pic of myself back when I was 6 =D