Life has always been a stagnant play. You see what you like, keep it that way.

You see a chapter, a scene that gets you going, put on the pause. Stare, and just relish. 


If it's unpleasant, fast forward. 

The Fragility We See in All Things Delicate

A Teddy, With a Heart, In a Flat Glass Pendant.

I wish I could do more than just protect the love you hold with breakable glass. I really do. 

Gotta Fight This Need to Run.Run.Run

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :( 

Putting Up A Wall

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper

Scones & Pasta For Tea Time

... with the only person who can bring me back to wisdom of our greatest teacher

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

No We Don't Freeze Petals Forever

Some of us constantly remind ourselves to change but at the end of the day we start to feel it's really undeserving cause the other party never does. Respectively the boys and girls don't want to be the only one who's putting in all the effort. Small occasions could turn out to be really big tests, guiding us in uncovering the truth together with the harsh reality that comes coupled with it. Lovers never learn. Lovers don't tire from pushing & pulling. And it's a blessing when a weekend getaway comes into the picture. Maybe the sea will help one think better and see things clearer. 

Some things are not meant to be.
But what if it's worth pursuing, and you've never given her enough faith to run with you? 

Trust

How do we find the definite answer to all those "what ifs" ... Is trust something to be learned, or is it just something we have to convince ourselves of in the delusion of love?
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Right Now, The Only Song Reflecting How I Feel ...

is Tina Turner's number

"What's Love Got To Do With It"

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Liberty

I've seen things I'd be better off not knowing again. The only thing that's stopping me from asking is this massive sore throat, and the lack of need for drama. Closing one eye ain't that bad after all. Even if it doesn't clarify anything, atleast I'm at peace with myself and it also prooves that I finally no longer care.

Being an XX Can Be A Bummer Sometimes

And I mean those who possess the paired XX chromosome. 
Its that time of the month where we can't control our emotions and are commonly agitated by the slightest buzz of a fly. Right now I'm extremely mean, hormonal, and pretty bonkers. chicken-crazy. balls-hyped. whatever you name it. 
Imma marshmallow.
I have no appetite.
Just can't wait for the strawberry context to stop swirling. 
fyi I can't tolerate my own mood swings either ... spare me oh great hormonessssss *gurgles*


Sigh, I'm so obnoxious at this point ... tsk tsk !


I've become increasingly nut-like cause the thought of graduation drawing near is just crazy!
I. want.to.hyperventilate.
But its supposedly nothin' right?
I freak out over the smallest things in life. I needa collect myself and start seeing the big picture. 
Some help please?
Feels funny, the transition from student to employee, and back to student again when I pursue my higher education. Very funky. Cheese tart funky.
Ahhh, willies =/

The Joy of Overflowing Thoughts : Insomnia. Poopy.

I don't know why but it has been 2 weeks since I truly felt sunshine and its warmth penetrating through my chest. I really don't know why, but I do try. I try very hard. to understand. to unmask this heavy feeling. Sadly, everything in the presence of my senses will just serve as a reminder of whatever thorn that's lodged in the subcavity of my brain. And seemingly that thorn has acted as a root and rose bushes with more thorns have begun to sprout and make its way to the emotional room in this house of a body. The amounted pricks from the deadly ends of those sharp wooden needles have done no good but left me with scars. I just want roses ... not the thorns that settle on the stalks, and certainly not the ones with tattered tips which symbolize the truth that all entities should come to an end. What I need is just petals in this beating chamber of mine, the one I call my heart. I can't put my finger on it. What's missing ??

Dilemma

It's funny what a lil chit-chat can do to resurface old feelings ...

Of Giggles, Insults, and A Whole Lotta Fun

                            Hyperactivity ? Check !    =)

What's Going On Inside

Heavy waves of pressure are crashing against the shore of my heart.
It ain't no calm sea.
My thoughts are scattered ... my decisions are fickle ... my attention is dispersed ... and my emotions are heaving with a tinge of bitterness and a full scale of stinging pain.
I can't seem to focus, and all I've been thinking of ... is nothing. 
Just a void that's persistently occupying the back of my head. 


But I did think about that stubby green tumbler I saw at starbucks *sniff* ... 

Speaking The Mind

There's just loads on my mind right now that I would like to express in a sequence of firing missiles, only in this case, the missiles contain a deadly mixture of emotions.

Most women find it hard to talk about what's really going on up there in their heads. Not because they do not have the ability to confront (this is especially true because females are supposedly more verbally expressive) nor is it due to the fact that we are more forgiving and tend to let things slip (the idea that women love to create drama out of petty deals, is no doubt just a stereotype).

The reason why we choose not to voice out most of the time is because we already have considered the consequences of doing so ... and these imagined outcomes are ones that run pretty far into the future. Its true, we're not creatures of impulse.

We won't just tell people to apologize even if they were really insulting.

We won't just criticize an effort even if it was really bad.

We won't bother listing out the things we have done for a person although the latter may do the complete opposite.

Even if something was really hurtful, we'll just bury it deep inside.

No, women do not really express how they feel, contrary to popular belief. We don't confront, because we don't fancy drama. We cry quietly because we expect to bear the pain by ourselves, rather than letting the other person experience guilt.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the female species is oh-too-noble to be a pain in the butt sometimes. The point I'm trying to get across is, the next time someone blatantly says "I don't know what women want, they never tell", just spare them a few words of advise.

Try listening. Listen to the subtle hints she's been dropping. Listen to things said that she tried to pass off as jokes. Don't just work something up to a level and then stop, because effort is vital.

Yeah, we're the verbal kind ... but in this case, I guess we're just not verbal enough.

Just a random topic that has been lingering on my mind, and which I felt needed a lil insight into :)

Fudge Factor

I think many people have the wrong idea about my living style.

"I'm afraid that my gift wouldn't be expensive enough for you"

Sigh. Its the hundred and one-th time I have tried to tell someone that though I may not hesitate to spend on certain items, it certainly doesn't mean that I am equivalent to a materialistic individual.

I won't beat about the bush; it may sound very unappreciative of me but I actually do not completely fancy gifts that you can just purchase out of a store. In fact, I am more appreciative of gifts that you have made by yourself or have put effort into.

If it comes from your heart, I would love it to bits. Yes, what I desire in gifts, would definitely be the effort part.

Take for example, my heart literally melted when someone dear surprised me on my birthday by taking me on a picnic at the beach (to top it off, awesome sandwiches & cupcakes were prepared). This, was a present I have dreamt of for as long as I could remember, and he made it happen *smiles*

I am absolutely sure that many people out there feel the same way. Therefore, it would only be relevant if we're not so quick to judge someone with less qualms when spending, for he or she may not be constantly aiming for the finest things in life.

And with that said, let's just all learn to digress a little from that stubborn mindset :)

BISDS

Maha Vihara ...

I miss going there on sundays :(
I miss Sister Chan and Brother KC :(
I miss my puja sessions :(
I miss performing there :(
I miss having revisions for the MBE exam :(
I miss understanding more and also debating during classes :(

Was so proud at obtaining 2nd place out of the top 3 scores in the MBE exam; I also beamed when I saw my name in the magazine and received the certificate + trophy for it ... But looking back, I've realised that the exam didn't even come close to validating my "holy" status. In fact, there was a correlation between the scores and the moral level that I was at. Negative correlation, that is.

Did I actually stick to my daily five precepts (pañca-sīlāni) ? Atleast I knew I tried last time. Do I try to stick to them today ? Not even an ounce of effort invested ... I have to admit, a little Musavada. Musavada. Musavada. now and then helps me break the everyday-five.

I use to be such a goodie. What happened ? I even missed Wesak this year :(

P.S., I think being cooped-up for 3 days in a row has made me emo-nemo =P I've been awake since 4am and I would respond to that like how Usher did, only in a different context ... "Oh.My.Gosh." Feeling spiritual during the wee hours of dawn. Weird.

Abstract art. So beautiful, yet so confusing.

Just like 'us' ...

Why'd you paint it that way ?

... why'd you make us this way ?

Rough Waves

I keep paddling, paddling, and paddling

... but when will I reach the end ?

Life forces you to put yourself out there,

and push hard to move yourself,

But if you're tired, who rescues you ?

I try and try, and I'm all worn up

... and eventually I see that there is actually no shore.

But no, I will not give up. Braving through just makes me stronger.

The Geek in Me

Throughout my whole schooling life, I have always been a geek ... and I knew exactly why. It was never about wanting my future to be a bright one, nor did it have anything to do with being kiasu. I was 110% sure about the source of my driving force ... my motivation for those late night gung-ho revisions and memorizing had to do with only one thing : to make my parents proud.

I always studied cause I wanted my Dad and Mom to praise me when I got good results. It may sound very shallow of me, but I secretly smirked (or smile to myself in content) everytime my Dad said to my siblings,"Take a look at your sister. She never ever has to be pushed to study. She does it on her own," or even when he praises me with his usual "Very good ! Good job" and plants a kiss on my forehead for being able to secure my place as the top ten in class everytime.

My Dad was a smart man. I looked up to him and made him my study-idol =) As a student, he was always number 1 in class. Even when he worked in IBM, he was constantly getting awards, and was one of the most famous senior/ top authority employees ... He would usually drag and enroll me into the workshop or club activities organized by his company for the children ... In a way, my Dad wanted to prepare me for IBM by having them familiarize with my name in their records. I have attended their workshops on business managing & team building ,performed for their events, received awards for excelling in education (yes, IBM gives out MPH gift certificates to those who performed well on UPSR, PMR & SPM), and I had my first taste of writing a 3000 word essay on the topic "My Technology-Era Invention" to be submitted into one of their departments in order to be granted a seat in their IT camp-workshop that was only limited to 30 participants. I loved collecting the tokens and souvenirs they gave out after you have completed workshops like those.

Now that I've had the time to ponder about it, I realized that I have been doing my best not because I wanted to collect trophies and certificates to be added into what I call my "Bangga Cupboard", but because I wanted to hear my parents praise me. But what happened is that I've become so accustomed to getting good grades that if there is a time when I do not get the marks that I have expected, I take it really hard. My mom once said to one of my friends,"If one day my daughter doesn't perform well *touch wood* she is going to experience a very big break down. I am worried for her cause she stresses herself out too much everytime exams are near."

However, since college, I have learned to take things easy. In fact, I laid back a wee bit too much. After I moved on to uni, I began to display my neuroticism again when it came to assignments and tests. This thing just never ends. Sometimes I feel like my whole world is crashing when I get so worked up over exams ... and sometimes I feel as if its easy-peasy-piece-of-cake and I laze around, become guilty, and start panicking at the very last minute. The motivation in me had suddenly turned inconsistent.

And it hit me right in my senses. I knew why at periods of time I could feel so relaxed and at the next, I'm on my toes, ready to engulf myself in books. There is only one thing missing ...

I just need to hear his voice again, reinforcing my performance.

Lookie ! I found a pic of myself back when I was 6 =D